Me
                         

I am a very curious person and what I am most curious about is human existence and the meaning of life. Back In my 20’s I came in contact with Buddhism and I was captivated by its practical approach and clear instruction about  living a good and wholesome life. I can remember feeling so happy that I had found this knowledge, and that I had found a way to guide me forward in life. Through my 30s and 40s, I continued on this path and lived a reasonably peaceful life. But despite my best intentions of living a good life, it all came crashing down when I was 50.  

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For me, it was a marriage breakup and the ensuing breakdown of life as I knew it. This was, and was not a shock. I had feelings of discomfort and confusion in my life and my marriage but I had been afraid of looking into it and chose instead to stay in my calm place ie in my head. Unknown to me then I had been “spiritually bypassing” ie focusing on my spirituality and not on my emotional well-being. If I am radically honest I was afraid to look at my emotions, afraid that it would make things worse and that I would not be able to deal with them so it was safer to stay in the realm of my mind.  

I think I always knew deep down that change was needed but now change was upon me and I had to deal with it. I remember thinking that this was an opportunity to really face all of the things that I had been afraid to face. I made a decision to become real and to learn what it was that I needed to learn.

One of the first things I learned was that I was co-dependent, I remember asking my new  therapist what she thought my issue was, she laughed and said, put it this way, about 80% of the population are co-dependant!  Not too bad I thought!  I always knew that I was a people pleaser and that I depended on the praise and love others would give me for my sense of value and worth.

It took me a while to realise how emotionally illiterate I was, and that I had all sorts of strategies built up around myself to stop me from looking deeply inward and addressing my core issues.  But I was determined, so I continued on my  journey.

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18 months in, I studied to become a Life Coach,  this was a big part of my personal growth, it felt so good to be learning and growing. While I was studying I was also training and working as a Community Health Facilitator and part of my role was designing and delivering well-being courses in the community, my personal favorite was a course  inspired by Karla Mclaren, I love her practical approach on all things emotional.  I have since studied many different modalities and read extensively and have had many interesting and expansive learning adventures but my biggest learning has been learning to love and trust myself, and this has been the gold in it all.

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Learning is amazing but living it is the real adventure 

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Along the way, I experienced so much more of life, I cried until I felt the bottom of me,  I emptied and found the peace underneath it all.  I discovered that the things I had been so afraid of were not the threats that I thought they were. And this has been so liberating.

I found wise and loving people on my path, people  who showed me the love I needed, and helped me make my way to love. And for this, I am most grateful.

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​I feel more me, more real, more loving, more energized and I live a more stimulating and fun life. I am still learning and growing and have a resilience that can never be lost no matter what life throws at me. 

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I have been humbled, and continue to be humbled. I am being moved more and more into a loving place. Perhaps this path, of pain and beauty is the meaning of this beautiful life. 

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